I wanted to share a couple of personal stories that are the actual opposites, but the reason I feel conflicted about my birthday.
It's my birthday today, and I swing quite severely between 'It's my birthday, treat me like a queen' to 'No one needs to know it's my birthday, it's just another day of the week'. It's a pretty severe pendulum to be swinging on. But what has caused these crazy mixed up feelings about my birthday?
I'm going to tell you 2 stories to illustrate it.
Story 1
I had decided to stay in Cardiff after my undergraduate degree. I hadn't exactly loved my degree - I studied BSc (Hons) Sound Technology. I had loved doing my A-Level in Music Tech, and thought I'd continue to love the subject. Except I very quickly realised that I wished I'd studied Radio instead.
At the start of my second year I had approached lecturers to find out if I could swap to Radio Production and was told no. If I was really passionate about radio, I should finish up my undergraduate degree and specialise with a Masters degree. So that's what I decided to do.
Starting the MA was amazing. I was part of the journalism school and I really found my love of writing at this point. My grades quickly told me that although I enjoyed radio, I was not good at it. However my journalism grades showed me that I was pretty good at writing. I flourished in the MA environment. I loved my classmates, I loved the lectures, I loved Cardiff. It all felt right.
The only problem was, I actually didn't have anywhere to live. So my parents (who are actual superstars) helped me rent a really nice flat in Cardiff Bay which was like a long-term holiday let. I loved it, it had amazing views and was just really lovely - I loved the space so much.
So when my birthday rolled round, I was excited to invite everyone on my course over. I loved my flat, and I thought it would be fun to have a mini party. I had like a crime detective thing going on on one of the walls for our investigative journalism course. It had actual red thread and pulled apart the story. I was pretty proud of it, and was hoping it might be a talking point - like we could all talk about how we were getting on with the project.
I bought a couple of cases of Budweiser and had a few bottles for shots. I was going to order pizzas when they arrived. I emailed everyone my address (remember life before WhatsApp?!) and the time they should all arrive.
The time came and went. I didn't think anything of it. No one turns up on time. I opened up a bottle of Bud and put on the TV. After about an hour and a half, I realised no one was coming. I text one of them, and they never replied.
So I cried a bit (play the video below and then come back here while you listen to it!) and wallowed, and then I decided to make the best I could of the situation. I put on one of my favourite films, Deep Blue Sea (not the drama starring Rachel Weisz and Tom Hiddleston, the one where they make the sharks brains bigger to cure Alzheimers, but they accidentally make the sharks smarter) and continued my way through half a case of Bud.
I was pretty drunk by the end of the night, and I did order pizza - for one instead of many. I made the best out of what I had, and I never mentioned it to anyone on my course. But I realised that we weren't friends, we were colleagues. We got on really well, but our relationship ended at the university doors.
I stayed in touch with quite a few people from my course. I even visited one of them in Romania and he showed me around the city he called home. It was an incredible holiday. I continued to meet up with one of my other classmates after uni while we were both still in Cardiff.
They're lovely people and I don't begrudge them for not turning up, but it did change my relationship with my birthday. I also now live in constant fear that no one will turn up to anything I organise.
Story 2
Fast forward 2 years. I'm still in Cardiff, I'm living in Cardiff Bay still, but in a different flat. A lovely 2 bed, a short walk in either direction to either the city centre or the beautiful Bay area. I lived on my own, but had a sofa bed in my spare room for when my parents came to stay.
I'm sat in my bedroom, looking at SnapChat and I see a message asking for help from an acquaintance from my uni days. She was actually the first person I connected with in a Facebook group about our halls of residence before we all moved in. I later worked with her in the students union. When I didn't have anywhere to live, I'd slept on her and her housemate's living room floor. We weren't exactly friends, but we had stayed in touch.
Her message read that she had a friend moving to Cardiff but the plans they'd made had fallen through a bit - did anyone she know have a spare bed her friend could use for a few weeks. I waited a little while, wondering if this was something I should do. After all, I had a spare bed that I wasn't using. I called my parents and they said if I felt comfortable about it, I should do it.
So I replied to the message, half hoping that someone else would have responded in the meantime. No one else had. So I met up with her and chatted about what her plans were with her friend. They'd been best friends back home and her friend was looking to change her life a bit. They'd planned to move in together, but she was having trouble getting out of the contract she was in, so had to wait a few weeks before she could move in with her old friend.
Then I met her friend, Shena. As move in date loomed, I started to panic that I'd done a stupid thing. This was an actual stranger that I'd invited to live in my flat. I'd met her once, and she'd seemed okay, but what can you tell from a quick chat with someone!?
It turned out, we were very similar people. We got on really well. We often hung out together and had wine and pizza nights. We gossiped and laughed, we watched horror films and had the actual best time. We hadn't been living together for a month when she surprised me on my birthday.
Shena loves birthdays, and she made no exception for mine. We'd been friends for a matter of weeks, and she did something special like this. It really touched me.
The few weeks turned into a couple of months, as our mutual friend struggled to get out of her lease. Secretly, I hoped it would all fall through, and Shena would just have to become my live in flatmate. Unfortunately our mutual friend did get out of her contract and they did move in together.
Eventually we both lost touch with the person who put us together, but Shena and I remain really good friends to this day. I was a bridesmaid at her wedding, and she returned the favour I did for her — giving her a roof over her head when she moved to Cardiff. I got myself into a bad flat and needed somewhere to crash, and she didn't even hesitate to offer me her spare room, just like I'd done for her.
I am lucky - I have friends dotted all over the country who show me real love. Like I was for Shena, I have been a bridesmaid for another close friend just one month after Shena's wedding, and I'm super excited to be a bridesmaid again later this year to another friend I lived with (and I took as my plus one to Shena's wedding). I was also the maid of honour for my sister. I love being part of my close friends weddings. I love being able witness their love and support them.
These people lift me up and remind me that, in their eyes at least, I'm special (probably in more ways than one). The people who don't show up, when I need them or when I'd just like them to be there, are not people really worth getting upset over. I mean, yes, shed a tear or two, because there's no pretending it doesn't hurt. But there are other people in the world who do make things worth it.
So to all the Shenas in my life — thank you. You're all superstars to me. ❤️