First of all - if you're reading this on the day of publish, happy Valentine's Day. You might be a single person who won't hear it otherwise. I'm a single person, and I have always felt overlooked on this day. So I just want to start by saying, that you are seen and loved.
I have always called Valentine's Day 'V-Day', and I hate it. I've argued that it's a day invented by companies who saw it as an opportunity to take your cash, and in the process it makes those who are single on said day feel bad about themselves, even if they're in a good place emotionally.
My tradition is to drink beer and watch horror films. It started when I was about 15 - though the beer element was added later. I usually order takeaway too - traditionally Domino's. It's now over 15 years since this little tradition was started and I do love it. I love a good horror film (and bad ones just as much), and I love beer. I also have a beloved playlist of breakup songs - because I just want to shun the sentiment a little bit more.
But this year, I've decided to have a rethink. Why do I hate it so much? Is it because I think it's overrated, I don't like the foundation of a holiday to be built on profits - or is it that I have been incredibly lonely, and don't want to face into that reality? If I'm being honest, it's a mix of both. I have never had anyone to spend Valentine's Day with - never received a Valentine's card from a secret admirer, never had someone take me out or do something special to mark the day, never had a reason to celebrate it.
And I've done an excellent job at feeling sorry for myself. So every year, I've thrown a pity party, scared the shit out of myself with a horror film and had a few drinks, while singing country break up songs at the top of my lungs (I'm not the best neighbour around Valentines...)
But this year, it just feels different. I don't feel like I want to shun it, but I also don't feel like I've been as aware of it as I used to be. Maybe lockdown and not going to the shops has just kept it out of my face? I don't watch a lot of live TV, so I don't watch a lot of adverts telling me to buy for my special someone.
I also think that maybe this year, we need a little love in our lives. Even those of us who have been staunch haters of V-Day might need a day of love this year. Whether it's from a romantic relationship, friends, family, or yourself. In the same way we really needed Christmas, and we're really going to need Easter, holding on to these days that can provide a little light are so important.
I have been reflecting on why I am perpetually single, and I think there might be some things I need to dig into a bit. I've always thought you need to love yourself before someone else can love you - but I've misunderstood that. I like my own company - I always have. I used to go to gigs on my own, I've travelled on my own, I love going to the cinema on my own, or going out for dinner or lunch on my own. I had that down. What I'd missed though, was the love. Liking my own company and loving myself are 2 very different things.
Recognising this has been a kind of lightning bolt moment, and a long thing coming. Looking back, I think I always knew I was missing a key part of this, but I knew it would be hard to overcome. Instead of working on it, I opted to be lazy and ignore it: play dumb. So I've come through life enjoying my own company, but not feeling worthy of love from myself or anyone else.
Like I said - I'm going to need to dig a little deeper here and start healing, but it's important to be able to take that first step (which I've been too chicken to do historically). There is some long term work I need to do on myself, but there must be some quick wins in this, right?
I follow an Instagram influencer who I absolutely adore. Her handle is @kellyprincewright and I love her content and aesthetic. She's been posting recently about date night ideas in the run up to Valentine's - simple ideas you can do at home, whether it's romantic, with friends, family, or on your own. I've (unsurprisingly) loved these ideas, and I thought I could amend my normal Valentine's routine to be a bit more about self-love than self-loathing.
I ordered myself a lovely bunch of flowers, which arrived on Friday and are now blooming and gorgeous. I also borrowed one of Kelly's date night ideas, and I bought a beer tasting kit (actually lager, because I don't actually love beer, I love lager) and some fruity ciders. And yes, I'm going to watch some horror, because I do genuinely love it and I don't want to completely change my little routine. And I've created a new playlist - a love song playlist. Which about half of which is on my banjo learning playlist, and there's a lot of Keith Urban, but it's a small step in the right direction.
This year, my Valentine is myself, and I'm really looking forward to my date night. Especially as I have my little floof to give me snuggles and kisses (don't judge me, I love my pooch very much!)
If you have Spotify, you can find my country Valentine playlist here.
